Wednesday, March 11, 2015

To Be Alive

       
Skiing at Vail Veteran Program
          Today is my birthday, and I can't think of anything that I could possibly want or need. This has been a year full of dreams coming true, new adventures, and accomplishments. Every week my blessings list has grown substantially, and last week at Vail Veterans Program was no exception. Jason and I spent the week skiing (he kicked my a**), and connecting with veterans and caregivers. VVP is such a refreshing trip, and it is truly a blessing to have so many people gather around and help Jason, which enables me to be his WIFE instead of his caregiver. I could not be more grateful for everyone who helps put the program together! Jason and I are honored to be ambassadors and so excited to help the program!




Butterfly Kisses Dance with Dad (I was 8?)
          Today, I've decided to do something I've been afraid to do for a long time. I'm going to share my story of how I got to where I am today.. What better way to celebrate my birthday than to conquer a fear and appreciate life? I've been wanting to get brave enough to share for awhile now, but it's been a challenge because:
a) I don't know everyone who will read this 
b) Some people will think it's stupid 
3) It's hard to be vulnerable. 

          One of my wounded warrior wife friends wrote an empowering blog the other day that finally helped me build the courage to share my own story! 
You can check her's out here ----> http://turbulentsunshine.com/2015/03/08/123-go/ 

          I'm not sure where to start, so I'll start at the beginning. I was born in Colorado, to a family of 5 including me. I have two younger brothers (who are the best), and two loving parents. My childhood was full of fun.. I was homeschooled, and occasionally, my mom would let my brothers and I catch bugs and such for "science class." I spent half the time on dirt hills with the boys, and the other half dressed as a princess playing with my 18 dolls (each of which had names). 

8th grade: J+R=4evr
          Skip to middle school... 7th grade was my first year out of homeschool, and I went to a charter academy, complete with uniform. I had a rough time transitioning, mainly because I didn't fit in with the other kids. Academically, I was doing great, but I couldn't keep up with the other things the other kids had learned so much earlier. I was very naive, had no idea what weed was, and had never dated... I didn't even know about shaving until one time when all the girls were lined up during PE and I noticed my legs were the ONLY ones with hair!! *still dying inside* Anyway, I had friends, I tried to be nice to everyone, but it was pretty lonely until the next year. In 8th grade, I went to a classical academy, where I met Jason. I'll share our full story in detail another time, but we began as "best buddies" and eventually he ended up being my first boyfriend and love. I was still naive; I wouldn't even hold his hand or hug, but he meant the world to me. My parents were really strict, and they decided to homeschool me the next year. This was before Myspace or Facebook, so I was broken-hearted when I lost touch with Jason after that. 

          In 10th grade, I once again transitioned out of being homeschooled, and attended a public school for the first time. It was similar to my 7th grade experience, but worse. I had no friends, and spent a few lunches Mean Girls style... eating alone in the bathroom. The girls didn't talk to me, and the guys aimed spit-balls down my lack of cleavage. It was awful, so I transferred to a school closer to me. I ended up actually staying this time. Looking back, I can't say high school was the best either. I had a few friends, but again, never really fit in. I was in a pretty rich area, and I was definitely not one of the rich kids. The cool girls at my high school sported Juicy Couture and Pink, etc. on the reg, and the best I ever did was wear Hollister from Plato's Closet. Regardless of my lack of popularity, I always seemed to have a boyfriend. My first high school boyfriend was a "punk-rocker," who ended up being pretty much a 100% jerk. I began getting into drinking a lot with one of my boyfriends, who was older than me. He was Prom King two years in a row, and made me feel noticed and special. He is actually a great guy to this day, so I don't blame anything on him, but that's when I started getting more wild than I should have. We and his friends used to go get trashed at his house or by the lake every weekend, and I usually ended up blacking out and not remembering most of every night I partied. I would tell my parents I was at a girlfriends house for the night, and come home hungover and exhausted in the morning. 

          For a long time, my life was a never-ending string of heartbreaks and rebounds. The next guy I dated was the star football player of my high school. He was sweet, innocent, and I fell head over heels.. fast. We had a cute relationship during most of high school, and I think we both bonded a lot over not really fitting in with many of the other kids. By senior year, it was just he and I; I lost touch with the few friends I had, and spent almost every free minute with him. We'll call him "C."

The college clique :P
          Things were light-hearted and happy, and we got serious senior year. We planned out our future together: college, marriage, kids, yada-yada. C got recruited for football, and convinced me to go to the university he got a scholarship to with him. College was terrifying! I remember moving into the dorms and just knowing my whole life was about to get flipped up-side-down. I was right. The next month, before I had a chance to make any friends at college, C dumped me. My heart was broken, I was alone, and I went into a serious depression. My grades dropped, and I cried constantly. I made a few friends who would take me out to get drunk at least a few times a week, which was my only distraction from the sadness that seemed to completely surround me. 

          A month or two later, C came back into the picture. He wanted me back, I needed him back. From that point on, our relationship was a roller-coaster of instability and brokenness. We broke up at least once a week for almost two years; sometimes for five minutes, sometimes for five days. My grades continued to drop, and I continued to drink. A lot. My friends and I went out a few times a week. We would walk in heels and skimpy dresses to house parties, or the club a few miles away. I usually didn't remember walking home. It was my first time having an actual group I belonged to, and I finally felt like I really fit in. I was a mess, but I wasn't alone.. or at least not in public. 

          The downward spiral got worse when C told me about his experiences during our first big break up that I hadn't known about. We fought constantly, and our relationship became abusive in just about every way. We would swear at each other, give each other the silent treatment, and talk to other people on and off. It was a classic abusive, unhealthy relationship of codependency. We would get into blow-up arguments, and then he would pin me down to the bed, leaving bruises on my wrists. He never sexually abused me, but I was still broken by the pattern. One time he left me at a party while I was extremely intoxicated and I was taken advantage of. He would hold me up against walls, leaving bruises even on my neck, only to check them in the morning and make sure I covered it up with enough makeup before letting me leave to go to class. He would throw my stuff and break it, and even kick my 3 lb dog. One night when we were arguing about who-knows-what, he held me down and wouldn't let me leave his house. When I finally got free, he pushed me back and blocked the door. I yelled for him to let me out and called him names, then he filled up a gallon milk jug with water, grabbed my hair, and dumped it on my head. Crying and shaking, I locked myself in the bathroom, terrified. He was shouting at me from the other side of the door, telling me to unlock. I climbed out of the tiny window, and ran like hell through the city in the middle of the night, and ended up completely breaking down right behind a bowling alley. 




          I don't need to explain the rest for anyone to know what happened next, and how long it took for us to finally break up. To this day, I will always credit God with that break up, because I don't remember how it happened, and I know that it was his powerful hand pulling me out of the depths that I was too weak to pull myself out of. 

          I then moved to Kansas, where I hoped to find a fresh start. I lived with some relatives, who generously hosted me under their wings until I had enough money saved up to get my own place. You can imagine how things went after I got an apartment. I was working three part-time jobs, and trying to go to school still. I had a knack for finding trouble, and I thought I was pretty much invincible. There was plenty of booze and poor decisions. The partying started affecting not only my school AGAIN, but also my personal life and my job performance. I was hung-over at least half of the week, and exhausted during the other half. I got fired from one job after another, and started going broke. 

          I took out an extra student loan, knowing that I was going to fail the semester, just to pay for my rent for a couple months, but it wasn't enough. Without a job, and only about $50 saved, I was screwed. I spent most of it on gas, but eventually, I had to make excuses to make my friends pick me up to go out. One of the most mortifying moments of my life is when I had to tell my friends not to come inside because my roommate was sleeping (I didn't have a roommate), when actually, my lights were out. 

          That's when K came into my life. He was even more of a mess than me and he was also great at hiding it. I was desperate, and he bailed me out by paying for the part of rent I needed. I didn't realize that meant he planned on moving in. Gradually, he moved in without me really even noticing. I found out he had three kids (he was only 19), and later, I found out he was not only a drug-dealer, but also a thief, a fighter, a vandalizer, a felon, and a fugitive hiding at my house. 

          I won't go through the details, because this is getting long, but I finally hit rock bottom. I was broke, so I didn't really have a choice but to move back to Colorado. Once home, I began to very slowly straighten up a bit. I stopped dating, and cut back a little on the drinking. I was so far behind in finances and even "sobriety" that I was in major debt, and couldn't seem to catch up. I felt like an absolute failure... I was ashamed of myself, but I no longer blamed anyone else, and that was the first step to improvement. 

          During that time, I had finally realized that I needed a break from school, and worked up to a manager position at Victoria's Secret that occupied a lot of time. It got me to focus, and have at least something I was proud of myself for. I still had a long way to go, but I prayed constantly for God to show me the way. I had always had a strong relationship with him, and he had saved me over and over, but this time, I wanted him to help me save myself. I didn't want to come up out of the water for a breath, only to plunge back down. 

          God answered my prayers, just as He always answers our prayers. I don't even remember what made me think of it, but I decided I wanted to join the Navy. The recruiters were awesome, and encouraging. I placed really high on my ASVAB, and they wanted me to become a linguist. The plan was for me to first learn Mandarin, then Russian. The next day, I was shocked when my back x-ray came back as too arched. The recruiters promised they would get someone else to x-ray it the next week. That bought me time, that I now know God wanted to use. 

          BOOM... Jason came into my life. I will never forget hanging up the phone after our first phone call in eight years, and just knowing my entire life was about to change. I didn't know we were going to get married, but my entire mentality changed in every day from that moment on. I truly give all the glory to God, because He completely worked everything out after sending me Jason as my angel. I was truly saved forever this time, and I know in my heart that I will never be lost the same way I used to be again. I know it's hard to believe, but the change came easy. I think Jason just motivated me on a whole new level to be a better person and I wanted to be someone he would be proud of, whether we ended up together or not.


Fishin' & kissin' (VVP, Summer 2013)
          Sure enough, as you know, we did end up together. There is not one day that I am alive and healthy that I don't thank God for sending Jason as my compass to help keep me on track. Jason never forced me to make any changes, but he never needed to. The way he lived his life to the fullest and pushed past his limitations completely washed away my excuses. I finally began to see myself as valuable; not just to him, but to myself and to God. I pressed into my relationship with the Lord more. I completely stopped drinking excessively. Jason is a finance guy, so he helped me make a financial plan that made it possible for me to pay off my debt, and start actually saving. I went back to college, and have been earning good grades. I began working out and enjoying activities, which still give me a natural high on life. 


My beautiful family! (minus baby Beau)
           I felt the need to write my crazy story, because today is important. It is the second year of my life that I have felt truly complete. That doesn't mean I don't have things I want to improve, but it means my heart is full, and it's in the right place. God has given me direction, and Jason has helped me find purpose. I'm finally someone that I am proud of when I look in the mirror. I'm a work-in-progress, and I'm still learning things that I missed out on like trusting people and not being afraid to be myself.. I think this blog is a huge step! Everything I have been through has been worth it. I guess the point is, I found my way, and you can find yours too if you lean on God, and choose to make a change. 

           The broken person I used to be has been replaced with the person I want to be. A couple years ago, sitting in the dark at my apartment, I never would have guessed that now I would be sitting on my couch, looking out at the lake, married to my hero, mommy to 2 giant fur babies, in a beautiful home, surrounded by people I deeply care about. Thank you to every one of you who have been there along the journey; I'm so glad it's nowhere near over!! :) 



Beautiful Vail Valley slopes



"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, 
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11



9 comments:

  1. Most inspiring,uplifting, smile-making thing I've read in ages! I'm so proud of you, Rachel, and so happy for you! I'm thankful that you and Jason re-found each other. You both are an inspiration <3
    --Debbie

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    1. Thank you for reading, Debbie! I love what a big heart and open mind you have. Thank you for always being here and caring. Happy birthday as well :)

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  2. I'm so proud of you! Thank you for sharing your story! I know it isn't easy but I truly believe that by sharing our stories, we can help someone else from making the same mistakes and maybe even save a life! I'm so glad that you got out of it and now found your happiness! You deserve it! - Lauren :)

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    1. Thank you maam!! I am so thankful for your post and your courage that inspires others to build up their own. Looking forward to reading your blog more! I followed you :)

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  3. Darling, I was just trying to think of what to write about and then thought, I should do one on you as you are so inspirational and have gone through so much yourself. Then I see this post! Actually, of course, both of you inspire. You are overcomers in your own ways. The two of you are a testament of the power of enduring love, through thick and thin. Faith in God in action. I know I can safely say, we're all thrilled you've found each other and have this life to build and share! What an incredible story. Who woudl have ever guessed that fateful day when J contacted you after all those years and your trip out there to San Diego would lead to where you are now? I will never forget those times. :) Life is so awfully unpredictable, yes, but full of miracles we couldn't even fathom too..as you;ve so well shown. I'm sooo proud of you. We all are. Believe it and now it!

    I love to watch you grow into the amazing young woman you are. Believing in you always, and seeing your inner beauty and strength shining through more and more is humbling really. Love always. Happy Birthday again....to one amazing daughter, sister, wife, child of God, servant, friend, student, writer and so on! :D

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    1. Thank you so much, Dad. I am so lucky and blessed to have a guy who has always reminded me of my worth no matter what I go through. God is faithful, and he keeps his promises. I love you!!

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  5. P.S. Can you edit the post t include link to the VVP? that would be another awesome org to give to. There are soo many good people and orgs like this out there. thank God for those with such hearts.

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    1. The link is in my wounded warrior non-profits tab :)

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